Snape's Desires
by ChasingTheWind3
Summary: Severus Snape has always been in love with Lily Evans, the bride of James Potter. But why did James get the girl? Snape has to struggle between his master and his love for Lily. Who will be triumphant over his mind and heart? Pre- Harry/ parents graduated
1. An Expected Meeting?

Cold, wintry nights often worked well for him. While everyone else in town were asleep and warm in their cozy homes, they were far from safe. He prowled in the shadows, miming a harmless snowdrift in case one of the young ones woke up and stuck their curious noses outside.

Movement. He sensed movement. Careful not to make noise himself, he strained his neck to turn and found himself face-to-face with the one man he had been trying with all his might to evade, yet fully expected to find him. Seeing as though neither could make any sound, the man across from him inclined his head as if to say hello. Those dazzling blue eyes sparkled in the dim moonlight. Silently cursing those dreadfully perfect eyes, the man who believed he had rightfully been here first glanced into the nearest window before raising his wand to curse those eyes for real. However, the sight he found himself looking at in the window caused him to hesitate for the briefest instant. The blue-eyed man seized the opportunity, and made that moment of pure hesitation wretched.

Feeling a change in the atmosphere, the window-gazer tore his eyes away and repelled the curse away from him. However, there were two faults that would prove to be fatal if not handled correctly. One- that one moment was too late to block the entire curse, and instead, the curse broke in two and half of the power hit him. Two- he must have really defective aim, for the other half of the split curse shot through the window he had been gazing in a moment before, and collided with a slender woman who gave a shriek of pain. _No,_ thought the man who was now on the ground, writhing in agony. The blame for this mortal peril, though, was not entirely of the curse.

The noise of the breaking window woke the neighborhood. Without a sound, the blue-eyed man vanished. The man on the ground stole one last look in the window; the woman was not to be seen. Eyes glistening, he whispered a spell, and he too vanished, still thrashing with pain.

"Why was the deed not completed?" demanded the presence before him. It was not a yell, but full of accusation all the same. Snape hung his head low; he'd rather be scolded with the fullest extent of his master's powers than explain why the flawless plan failed under his management. He knew his master wouldn't understand. His life was over now. There was only so much forgiveness one could receive.

There was silence for many moments. Snape's head swam with decisions. He knew he could not lie. Looking down, he whispered his reason. It felt so unworthy to be speaking of such things to his all-powerful master, but he spoke the truth anyway. Snape kept his head down even after he finished. Then there came the punishment he had been expecting all along. Suddenly, an unbearable cold seeped through his bones, causing him to shiver in fright. He looked up- his master was no longer before him. The icy pangs in his blood consumed him, and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath. His lips turned blue and he could no longer think, but then the ice seemed to melt, though it left a shivering residue in his veins. Teeth chattering, Severus looked up again to find his master turned away, his disappointed head in his hands. But… could that be a sob he heard? No, it couldn't possibly… Though in the middle of the unbearable suffering he just experienced, Snape could have sworn he felt a moment of warmth, as if he was receiving a hug…

but then it was gone.


	2. Love Will Bring You There

Darkness clouded her mind. Images appeared to her as if she were dreaming. There was Albus Dumbledore, trying to tell her something, but her ears seemed to be filled and she couldn't understand. Faded memories dissolved into black. Hot tears of agony streaked her checks. She tried to think back to when she had last seen light. It had been... red, but only for a flash, an instant, and it had illuminated a face in the window.

A burst of pain knocked out her senses. Lily writhed on the floor of her sleeping muggle parent's house. Her back jerked up off the floor and her head collided into the living room table. Lily was left thoughtless and motionless, and as her eyes rolled up to the back of her head, a soft, unintelligible sigh escaped her lips.

* * *

><p>James Potter was enjoying his first few days out of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with his best pals. They were all meeting up at their old hangout, the Shrieking Shack. Sirius and James took a look around and commented on how different the place must look to Lupin. Since, of course, at the moment her was not a ravage beast trying to tear the building apart. Lupin just glared at them with the hint of a smile on his lips. Then, rolling his eyes dramatically at them, he asked, "hey, wasn't Peter supposed to meet us here?"<p>

"Oh yes, where is that slimy Wormtail?" Sirius gnashed his teeth together, imitating their old school friend.

"Aww, you know he only tagged along with us because he was a lonely little git, right?" James added to the conversation.

"Come now, he DID agree to become an Animagi for me," Lupin, always the morally right, stood up for poor Pettigrew.

"Yes, but he chose to be a stupid, fat rat" James and Sirius looked at each other and laughed.

"C'mon now, I'd trust him with my life," Sirius finally said, much to Lupin's approval, once they stopped their fit of laughter.

"Oh, I know it, Sirius, but you know I wo-" James' sentence was cut short by a fizzing in his breast pocket.

"Blimey Prongs, you didn't actually put that thing on her, did you?"

"James, you know I don't approve, it's technically illeg-"

"Oh shut up. I've got to go, she's in danger," and James turned quickly on his heel, disappearing before their eyes.

* * *

><p>A loud crack was heard on the steps of Lily Evan's house. A man with overgrown, unruly hair seemed to appear out of nowhere and pulled out a wand. "<em>Alohomora<em>."

Running through the now unlocked door, James came to Lily's side. _No, c'mon, breathe Lily!_ James desperately racked his brain for a spell that would rejuvenate his love from her misery. "_Finite Incatatem!"_

* * *

><p><em>Severus?<em> Lily opened her eyes with a smile, the fog lifting from her muddled brain. She finally remembered the face in the window. Then she also remembered... Mudblood. Her eyes focused on the face before her now. All other thoughts left her, and she was consumed with that face framed by those unruly locks. How had she not noticed those delicately rugged features before? That hair, so messy, was now so tempting to her. It was all she could do to softly let out a breath, "_James..."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

**Hey! Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while, and this is all I can give you? AND I deleted half of the story? Yes, I did, but I decided I wanted to have it be even farther back. And I also found some major timeline errors (how could Wormtail have ALREADY had a deformed paw if James and Lily weren't dead yet?), so I'm starting this part over. But I actually have the rest of the story pretty well formed in my mind now, so I'll be able to update more often! Plus, school's out, so there's a plus. Sorry this chapter is so short, I promise longer ones soon! Well, that is, if anybody even cares... But I'll do it anyway! :)  
><strong>


	3. Reflections and Revenge

Once Snape finished his small task for the Dark Lord, he took a stroll down over by his childhood home. There, over by that tree near the river, was the swing that he and Lily had shared their experiences of being a witch or wizard. They were so young then, as they had only just gotten their acceptance letters into Hogwarts. Lily was so full of excitement, but Severus could see the fear in her eyes as well. He promised himself he would always be there to comfort her.

Severus turned his eyes away. How those years in Hogwarts had changed him! _No,_ he decided. _I didn't change. But..._ He didn't want to blame it on Lily either. Snape still felt the same way about Lily, and Lily was still the remarkably intelligent witch she always had been. They hadn't changed. _It was Potter._ The name left a sour taste in his mouth. James was the one who got in the way of his happily-ever-after. Since the first day he saw the unkempt hair of that idiotic git, Snape swore he would keep Lily away from him. Potter was up to no good, he could just sense it. That proved to be true when Snape followed James and his little werewolf friend into the whomping willow passageway. Seething on the incompetence of Dumbledore, Snape turned on the spot and Apparated to the Dark Lord. How could Dumbledore not punish James and all of his friends for being Animagi? He supposed there was no proof, but weren't his own scars and bruises proof enough? Dumbledore always had a soft spot for Potter, and Snape resented him for it. Why hadn't any teachers seen when Potter was torturing him? Stupid Dumbledore...

Before he knew it, Snape appeared not before his master, but instead found Dumbledore standing outside The Three Broomsticks. Of course, you need concentration to Apparate. Snape cursed his idiocy.

"Severus?"

Snape looked up at the headmaster's voice. Shining blue eyes gazed back at him. How he hated those eyes that seemed to follow him everywhere.

"Is there anything you wish to tell me?" Dumbledore seemed to always know exactly what was happening at all times. Snape decided this could be an opportunity to advance his position with the Dark Lord. It was a risk, but he thought Voldemort would approve of his quick thinking.

"Yes, headmaster. I wish to speak with you about a teaching position. I understand you need a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." Snape spoke to Dumbledore with utmost innocence.

Dumbledore replied, "Do not think I don't know it was you I saw last night."

* * *

><p>Though Snape didn't get the job, he came to the Dark Lord with a plan. Voldemort's evil eyes were dull as he listened, but his lips curled at the idea. But it was not the time. Snape's plan would have to wait.<p>

* * *

><p>This time he returned to the window. He needed to apologize. There was no excuse for calling her a Mudblood back at Hogwarts. It was Potter's fault! It was always his fault, couldn't she see it? If James hadn't tried to show off like he always had, Snape would have been left alone. But James had put Severus on edge. Now, especially since he had reason to come over because of what happened last night, he was going to set things right. Things were going to be as they used to be. Him and Lily would sit by the river and exchange stories, made-up and real life. They would spend time just gazing into each others eyes, hopelessly in love. If Lily took him back, Severus would not only quit his role as a Death Eater, but he would single-handedly stop the Dark Lord. He'd march right up to Voldemort and pull out his wand and-<p>

Snape's fantasy was cut off by a noise inside the house, just as he was about to ring the bell. A muffled male voice was coming from the living room, saying, "It's alright. I'm here for you." Severus had to stop himself from bursting into the room and strangling Potter with his bare hands. Magic would be too easy. But then, Lily's clear voice rang through the house, "I know, James. I should have known it before." Snape's blood ran cold. Lily, his own Lily Evans, was subjecting herself to his greatest nemesis. He couldn't believe his ears. In a rage, he Disapparated.

"Master, give me a task that can bring revenge to James Potter. I know he has done you wrong just as he has to me. Let me be a part of your plan."

And the Dark Lord complied with Snape's wishes.

* * *

><p>Once inside his own house, Severus tried walking down the hall to his room, breaking vases and paintings on the way. The painted witches and wizards screamed as their portraits were sent flying across the hall. The last few steps turned into a run, and he slammed his door shut and curled up in the corner just as the first tear began to fall.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

**YES! This chapter is just a little longer than the others, but still, it's longer! I'm really excited with how this is going, I have some great ideas for upcoming scenes! I hope you like it! Now I just have to figure out how I move on from here... There's a little gap between where I want the story to go and where it is now, but I think I should be able to close it. So the next chapter might not be too good, but I hope I'll redeem myself once I get into the meatier stuff.**


	4. Let's Make a Deal

"How did you find me? I mean, how did you know-"

"Shh… calm down, my darling." Terms of endearment flowed naturally out of James, and Lily readily accepted them. The need for answers escaped her, leaving her alone with James, her love.

"I can't believe I never realized it before, James. You were always there for me, caring for me. And I-"

"Say no more, dearest Lily. As Dumbledore would say-"

"Oh let's not bring Dumbledore into this" Lily's eyes locked onto James', and with a swift movement they embraced. Lips met lips, hard yet gentle, as one would caress a dear treasure they didn't want taken away, as if a mere disturbance, a touch, would cause it to fade away.

* * *

><p>"Severus?" An authoritative voice rang throughout the house.<p>

Collecting himself, Severus stood up from his weary position and rushed down the stairs. With a sharp look at the aging man, he spoke: "I didn't realize you were now making house calls, headmaster."

"I do believe we had arranged a deal," Dumbledore paused, "Professor Snape."

"Headmaster… I cannot say how much I appre-"

"Professor, of potions. As I recall, you did quite excel in old Slugworth's class. Well, now he's retiring, just in time for you to continue your reign as the half-blood prince." The haunting blue eyes sparkled accompanied by a knowing smile as the last words were spoken.

Severus held the gaze, refusing to give up his ground. Lily Evans would eventually be his.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

**A short one, but it was fun to write :) **

**I could use help with dialogue, I'm never quite sure if I'm using it right or if it makes sense. Which stinks, since a lot of this story is turning out to be dialogue... Please critique!**


	5. Defraud

A bony, horse-like face turned away from Lily in disgrace.

"Petunia, please..."

"No, Lily," the Muggle turned sharply towards her Witch sister, "you can't expect me to consent to your marrying that… that _filth!_"

"Petunia, he-"

"No! Let me _speak_, Lily! You always thought that whatever you had to say was so much more important than anything I did!" Her yell dissolved into a hoarse whisper, "but guess what, _**witch, **_you were never accepted in this family, and there's nothing you can do to force me to be your 'magical' maid-of-honor!"

The sisters stared at each other. Slowly, Lily bent down while keeping eye contact.

Petunia spat out, "you wouldn't dare."

Lily spoke nothing. As she pulled out her wand, Petunia continued staring with a slightly frightened look in her eyes. Lily then held out her wand, handle out, offering it to her Muggle sister.

"Don't think you can use sweet talk on me to get into your wedding. I want nothing to do with your _phony magic_!"

Lily still said nothing. With a slight tear in her eye, she walked away.

* * *

><p>That night James caressed his bride-to-be as she cried over lost family. He genuinely hated seeing her so upset. All he could think of was how it would always be him to comfort her, only him that she would love. After all, how could she resist his good looks, wit, and charm… and a little well-placed magic?<p>

* * *

><p>Professor Snape sat at his new desk, lost in his thoughts of the future. His love would be wed to his nemesis tomorrow, he knew that. But Severus would be seeing Lily later this day, giving her a well-deserved second chance. A second chance to give <em>him<em> a second chance. He hated where his life was going, he just knew that if Lily returned his love he could overcome his fear. Then that _Potter _would be eliminated, causing no more strife on their love.

Closing the last cabinet full of the ingredients that could make death, luck, love, or any number of dangerous or helpful potions, Severus finished his professor prep work early. He took a deep breath, knowing that today would be his last chance. James, idiot he was, had arranged for the official wizard-sealed marriage. They would be bound to each other for life, no matter what happened. A magic charm would be over them at all times, there to remind each other of their love for each other in times of need. Romantic, yes. Severus loved being a wizard, but there was an older magic he believed in- the magic of true love.

* * *

><p><em>Lily… She's right there, and I…<em>

Severus' thoughts were cut short by her green eyes finding his own. His heart almost stopped, as always when he found her noticing him. Lily gave him a faint smile, then bit her lip and turned away.

"Lily," Severus walked closer to the old willow tree by the pond, where he had first fallen in love.

"So, I hear you're teaching potions back at Hogwarts. Your Death Eater friends counting on you to spy for them?"

"Lily…"

"Going back so you can continue your little game of being 'the half-blood prince'?"

"I'm not here to talk about my career."

"Then why are you here? Severus, why did you come here? Why did you ever-" Lily's question was never finished, for she was constricted by sudden, racking sobs.

"Lily, you're getting married tomorrow. I had to see you."

"Oh, so you can try and win me back? I'm not some prize to be won, Severus," Lily spoke through tears. "James loves me. And I… I love James. I know you and him have a tough background, but please, just... let me be." She sat down against the tree and hid her head between her knees, tears cascading down her chin.

Patiently, Severus said, "I just don't understand, Lily. You always thought he was the most foul old sap. Conceited. And now he's making you cry. How is this love?"

"In case you don't recall, you made me cry first! Back at Hogwarts, you were the true demon! James can be a sweet guy, but you… Where are your loyalties?"

Severus cracked, "Loyalties? You're talking to me about loyalties?"

"And there goes your temper! On the verge of spitting Mudblood at me again?"

"Lily, I'm sorry…"

Silence surrounded them, deepening the chasm between their hearts. Severus sat down across from her, facing her.

"You want to know my loyalties? They're right here," he whispered as he leaned in to kiss her softly, and Lily did not object.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

**Here's a nice longer one to make up for the last chapter.**

**Ahhh! What's Snape doing kissing an engaged woman? I'm a hopeless romantic, bear with me. My apologies to those of you who like James, it's not that I don't like him, it's just that I like Snape more :)  
><strong>

**Could you pick up on a little foreshadow I squeezed in here? Hehe :)  
><strong>

**I'm also glad I was able to incorporate Petunia, I want to see how many characters I can add in. **

**I hope you enjoy! Happy New Year! 2012**


	6. Moving On

"Wait, Severus, don't… don't go" Lily gasped out as his slender body stood up to leave. He paused, and they stared for a brief moment. Finally it was Snape who broke contact, as he couldn't bear to look at someone who could never be his.

"Severus… James never let me consider inviting you, you know, to the wedding. But if you wanted to come, well…"

"No, Lily," Severus sighed and turned away, aware that leaving now would guarantee his losing her forever. He just didn't have the words. There were no words to be able to convey how he felt. If he wasn't enough for her, let her go to James.

"Severus! I can't! I can't let you go like this!" With one glance back he knew he'd regret, Severus saw a gleam in Lily's beautiful eyes- a tear. He took a step closer to her once more and kneeled down next to her. She continued her gaze toward him. Snape took her face in his hands and brushed away the tears. Breathing was labored between the two of them, but Lily could not figure out why.

_I'm about to marry James, the love of my life, and the enemy of this man. What am I doing with him?_

But her heart couldn't discover which "him" she was referring to.

"Lily," Severus paused with the ache of saying her name, "You've always known my affections and I know you wouldn't lie to me. Lily, do you feel the same way?"

And without hesitation, she whispered out a tear-stained, "_Always_"

* * *

><p>The wedding passed and vows were made. Lily kept her promises, as only a top student such as she could. James was persuaded to allow Severus to visit every once in a while, so long as he could have his buddies over as well. The marauders would be together in one room while Snape and Lily would talk in the room over.<p>

On such nights, Wormtail would prod James into distrust.

"So, whaddya think ol' slime bag's doing with your wife over there?"

James punched him in the shoulder and retorted, "Shut up, you git! He's not so bad, after all Lily trusts him."

"You are so in love with her..." Sirius exclaimed, realizing for the first time the extent of James' madness for her.

"Yeah, when are you gonna tell her about that little charm you put on her? Love goes both ways you know. What if she doesn't actually love you? She _loathed_ you all through Hogwarts!" Lupin chimed in, the realistic one.

After a short pause to think it over, James felt an urge in his chest. A feeling of intuition. "No. She loves me. I can feel it"

* * *

><p>"Lily..." Snape whispered. He knew what was coming, but didn't have the heart to say it. His Lord and Master felt there was a strange disturbance in Snape's actions, but could never have guessed he was in love. However, Dumbledore knew it all. He'd plead with his new professor to let Lily go, for too much attachment could lead to too much pain. Yes, Severus knew what everyone thought, but didn't have the heart to let go. He gazed into the eyes he knew so well, and told her he must never see her again, and her and her child must move away.<p>

For the Dark Lord, his Master, was going to kill her. He was going to kill them all.

Severus stroked her hair one last time, and fought the tears that threatened to show on his stoic face.


End file.
